I have been staring at a blank Word document for twenty minutes trying to find the words to say. I can’t bear where we’re at and the situation we are in. I can’t comprehend how we’ve gotten to this place. I can’t wrap my head around the fact that there is nothing left to do for Andrew except tell him how much I love him, hold his hand and be with him for very second we have left together. The doctors tell me death is imminent and that Andrew is going to die from this disease. There are no treatments, no clinical trials…there is nothing left to do. I struggle to grasp what they’ve told me and I spend my nights crying and moaning in pain as I think about losing the one I hold most dear and close to my heart- my husband. He is afraid of death and I am afraid of life. I’m afraid of life without Andrew Smith by my side as my spouse, my protector, my best friend, my everything. My heart breaks into a million pieces thinking of all who would lose so much if he goes- a friend, a son, a brother, a teammate, and an inspiration to us all. We would all lose so much because he has impacted every single person that he has ever come into contact with. His kindness is instantaneous to strangers and his caring nature and ever-gentle heart is felt by every person lucky enough to have any sort of relationship with him. Truly, Andrew exudes and shines the Light of Christ. Andrew is the perfect example of what God has called us to do here on earth; to love one another at every opportunity, to glorify Him in all that we say and do, and to preach the Gospel to the masses. But Andrew doesn’t even need words to do that preaching. The way Andrew lives every single day preaches the Word of God. One quote that Andrew and I have prayed over and try to instill in our lives together is “Be careful how you live; you will be the only Bible some people ever read.” Andrew and I strive to make our lives preach loudly instead of our lips and he has done that ever so beautifully. I’m so proud of him and there aren’t words to describe the honor I take in being his wife.
What the doctors tell me do not change my prayers. I still pray every waking moment for a miraculous healing. I ask that that is your specific prayers, as well. I ask that we all pray for God to reach down and touch Andrew’s body and rid it of this absolutely vicious disease. I ask that we all pray that God would remove all of the bad and replace it only with good, that He would touch his blood and remove the impurities and terror of this disease. My prayers haven’t changed, but I can admit that my faith has wavered at times. I don’t understand this. I know God is able. I know all God has to do is simply THINK healing over Andrew’s body and it would be done. So my constant prayer is that God will do so and until He intervenes, we will continue to intercede.
So while that is first and foremost my hope and my prayer, I also ask prayers for strength. The pain I feel each and every day makes me ache to my core; I feel it in every bone in my body and in every inch of my shattered heart. This is true heartbreak. Every day is hard and I’ve had to make decisions that no 24-year-old wife has any business making. I mourn for the future that every doctor keeps telling me I will not have with my husband. I grieve for the children Andrew and I didn’t get a chance to bear. I’m scared beyond belief as I have never pictured a future without Andrew. We fell in love in high school; there has never been another life in my mind that didn’t involve waking up to him each and every day. I need strength, but not just today, every single day from here on out if the Lord decides He is ready for Andrew. I need peace. Over the past 6 months, I have felt a constant mantra being spoken to me as I’ve prayed. “The healing is coming,” God has told me countless times. It is, of course, my deepest plea that that healing is of Andrew’s earthly body and that he and I have so many more years together. But I also understand that his promised healing may be Christ making Andrew whole and perfect in Heaven instead of here on earth. And it pains me to even write that sentence because I so selfishly want that healing now, at this very second, WITH ME. I desperately want Andrew to stay with me. So, so desperately. I understand fully why God would want Andrew with Him, but so do I.
I’m sorry to have broken all of your hearts this morning. It is not lost on me how many care so deeply for Andrew. He’s an easy one to love. So again, I ask for prayers for his miraculous healing- and soon. I ask for strength and peace. I ask that you keep Andrew, myself, and our families and friends in your thoughts and prayers during this extremely difficult time. God has granted us miracles before in Andrew’s life, He has saved it once before, and we pray and plead that He does it yet again.
Andrew has this verse underlined in his Bible & I know this is his heart and prayer every day: “Yes, and I will rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and the help of the Spirit of Jesus Christ this will turn out for my deliverance, as it is my eager expectation and hope that I will not be at all ashamed, but that with full courage now as always Christ will be honored in my body, whether by life or death.” (Philippians 1: 19-20)